Lets Go Back To Neverland...

so i lied in my previous entry.

2005-12-14T05:08:53Z

everything was going great until tonight.

My mom came home at like 11:15...

Apparently I was supposed to clean the entire house.. spotless.

I would like to know how "do your laundry and clean your room" turned into the entire house is to be spotless.

the consequences for only cleaning my room, doing only one load of laundry, taking a nap, cleaning the kitchen twice, doing my homework, and dusting the living room:

>>Possibly kicked out.
>>car possibly gone.
>>grounded for a week.. can't even see Blake.
>>Have to pay for all of my Marlins shit.
>>Have to pay for my car insurance, new exaust system, and oil change (which I would have done anyway).
>>Have to pay for my phone.

I guess I'm going to stay up most of the night and clean so that she doesn't have to do it tomorrow.. and try to make things better although it's too late.

pitureeeeeeeeessssssssssss

2005-12-14T03:11:06Z

Now, we're finally home; it feel good not to be alone.

2005-12-14T03:07:24Z

So it's been a while...

Signed up for Marlins yesterday. Talked to Patrick and Alex, then hung out with Blake. I guess they won their meet today.

Overall, everything has been great. A few problems here and there, but I'm truely happy for once. Blake and I are doing well and I can finally say I love him and really mean it. My birthday present was amazing. My mom took me to the casino for my birthday. It was tons of fun. I won 200 dollars. I didn't ever get around to playing poker though. Swimming ended okay.. I could have done better, but I still have Marlins. Now I just have to pray for a national cut. I opened a letter from Wayne State today that said I'm recieveing a 6,000 dollar scholarship based on academics. I figure that plus my MEAP money and whatever I recieve for swimming should cover most of my schooling for the first year. I still have to apply for some more scholarships though. I had surgery on my foot last Tuesday. It sucked that I had to be on crutches for my birthday, but I still had fun. The banquet being on my birthday wasn't the worst thing. I just want to thank everyone for my cake and card.. and for singing me Happy Birthday! Anyway, other than the fact that I have senioritis... everything's been great. I do miss hanging out with some of my friends that I haven't seen in a while, though.

Oh yea.. I almost forgot. My mom won some big prize over 500 dollars. She doesn't know what it is yet, but it's either a Ford Explorer, a 27'' flat screen tv, 24,000 dollars, or a 4 day 3 all inclusive trip to Florida. I just thought that was pretty sweet and decided to share it with you although you probably don't care.

most depressing thing I've read all day.

2005-10-02T23:50:14Z

"After high school what will you be doing?"

I'll be traveling around for a year.
--Alek Haas

Unfortunatly we all make mistakes. Some are just more ignorant than others.

The funeral and lay out were terrible. I've never seen so many people in so much pain in my life. A mother should never have to bury her child. I never thought I'd see a friend go so soon. At least not from drugs. I can't even write anymore about this.

R.I.P. Aleksandr Haas

peachez06 @ 2005-09-22T21:53:00

2005-09-23T01:57:45Z

fuck swimming.
fuck the world right now.
fuck Dave.
fuck my hand hurts.
fuck x-rays.. i'm totally not getting one.

i totally said "i'm fucking sick of this to my dad today and he didn't care."

it was awesome.

my dad encouraged me to quit swimming today.

it was even more awesome.

peachez06 @ 2005-09-12T23:07:00

2005-09-13T03:20:54Z

Blake asked me out. I <3 him. He brought me flowers to my swim meet. It was the cutest thing ever. Anyway... myspace is down because it hates me.. therefore i can't feed my addiction.

so i'll post a song cause I have nothing better to do:

How does it feel to know you're everything I need
The butterflies in my stomach
They could bring me to my knees
How does it feel to know you're everything I want
I've got a hard time saying this
So I'll sing it in a song

Oh I adore the way you carry yourself
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt
When we become one
When we become one
When we become one
When we become one

How does it feel
How does it feel when we get locked into a stare?
Please don't come looking for me
When I get lost in the mess of your hair
How do you feel when everything you've known
Gets thrown aside
Never fear, my dear, 'cause we have nothing left to hide

Oh I adore the way you carry yourself
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt

Hold on to me girl
If you feel your grip getting loose
Just know that I'm right next to you
Hold on to me girl
If you feel your grip getting loose
Just know that I won't let you down

Well, I'm ready
Well, I'm ready
I am ready
To run away with you
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
To run away with me

Pack your things we can leave today
Pack your things we can leave today
Say our goodbyes and get on the train
Say goodbye
Just you and I in the sweet unknown
We can just call each other our home

If I had to choose a way to die
It'd be with you
In a goosebump infested embrace
With my overanxious hands cupping your face
In a goosebump infested embrace
With my overanxious hands cupping your cherub face

How does it feel?

Bad hair days could bever amount to today.

2005-08-31T00:31:34Z

Note: angry rambling may occur.

So I can't remember the last time that I cried before today. I hate crying in general, but I especially hate crying in front of other people. There's just something about it that makes me feel weak or inferior, although I know it is good to cry sometimes. I tend to cry over all the stupid shit though-- someone could be chewing my arm off and I wouldn't cry. However, My dumb ass cries over being yelled at. I suppose there's more to it than that, but it's still pretty pathetic. I am pretty pathetic. It doesnt bother me so much that the coaches hate me and are pushing me to quit swimming, but it does bother me that I'm going to lose relationships with people that I was close with. I understand that they are treating me like this because they care, but I need to be let down easier or I have a meltdown. Sort of like today. Actually, I should rephrase all of this.. Dave was very considerate and explained everything to that he doesn't want me to finish my last season unsatisfied, and that he wants me to reach my full potential. Bob, on the other hand, wants me to quit. He doesn't believe I'm committed enough. If only he knew how much I want this, and how much I want to finish the season. I don't just want to finish the season I want to come out on top... well just under Marie. I've dreamed of a making a state cut, getting a record, and becoming captain since my freshman year. I understand that it would be stupid to quit now, even if I don't achieve any of those things. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that man's head. Even if Bob had said things nicer, I would have been hurt. I've always considered myself closer with Bob.. that's just how it goes. Apparently not anymore. This swim season is now for me, and only me. Not my parents. Not my team mates. And especially not my coaches. I know those statements may sound selfish, but I can't be focused on everyone else right now. Not after today. I need to train harder than I ever have before. Everytime I feel pain I will just think of how I was pushed to quit, but I stayed.

So that's the swimming part of the crying. Of course, there is more. There is always more. I have such a hard time trusting anyone anymore. I feel like I have very very few friends anymore. Several acquaintances, but only a handful of friends. Boys are just really effing confusing. I don't even feel like getting into that right now. I really need to take my ACTs over again. etc. etc. My stress is finally catching up to me.

Oh well... I guess I just need to be more like a tree... an apple tree.

For those of you who actually read all of that. I'm proud of you. I would also like to apologize for the length, randomness, and the fact that this is my only update in like a month.

and just cause I posted in everyone elses...

2005-06-17T02:49:41Z

1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
2. I will then tell what song reminds me of you.
3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.
4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
6. I will tell you what color you remind me of.
7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Be sweet and put this in your journal

Can I lay in you bed all day?

2005-06-07T21:54:33Z

hahaha.

I saw Ryan Bowman today.

He came up and talked to me, of all people...

Just thought you'd all like to know.

Now I'm going to get more food.

P.S. Snowhite is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

Duck tape my arms and legs....

2005-05-25T03:44:16Z

my fat ass cat stuffed herself in a shoebox to sleep.

B. White... the racist bitch.. lol.

oh baby oh baby.

posessed?

Tonight was actually fun if you overlook the awkwardness between Patrick and me. That was hell, but Brooke and I did get hit on by some random guys in a black truck. Fort Fraser was fun, as well as going to the other B-Dubs to visit people.

peachez06 @ 2005-05-23T22:11:00

2005-05-24T02:53:00Z

Wow, I'm confused.

and pretty sure my mom hates me. I'm 95% sure she's bipolar.

And... I'm relly bored so song lyrics... they mae my happy... sometimes... they also make me sad sometimes... woo:

all of the years that waste away
this is the life that i embrace
this is the world that i create
falling into the great decay
give in give in give up
all these verses share a theme
(of the great decay)
we dont amount to anything

And we wait above a road.
We're turning to go home.
And the silence from the side of the car,
Tells me everything and how we are.
Cause there's no more trying to make this so right.
There's no more trying tonight.

And you know it's not so easy when you're all alone,
And I wonder if, I'm alone in your head.

I know something is wrong,
I just don't know what to do.
You say it's only me, and, that I'm so perfect for you.
I don't want to try no more,
I don't want to make this right.
I just want you to be true to me one time.

And you know it's not so easy when you're all alone,
And I wonder if I'm alone in your head.

Twelve days gone by, since I have saw you last,
I'll give this one more try,
I'll give it all my best, and, I'll ask
What could you be doing that is so much fun?
Without me by your side,
Without me by your side.
And, I will take a step back, and, I'll let you ahead,
And, I will take a step away, and, see if you come back,
Because there's no more trying to make this so right,
Theres no more trying,
Theres no more trying tonight.

We'll never be the same,
We will never be the same,
We will never be the same,
We will never be the same,
Until you're done.

hmm.. I have to send that one to Brooke.

weeeeee

2005-04-27T03:20:00Z

My weakness is that I care too much.

2005-03-23T03:29:54Z

Maria Johnston Rocks My Socks!!!!

So today I was sitting in Chemistry and Dave was lecturing.... he was talking about bonds or something, but I wasn't really listening as usual. All of the sudden I hear "Barry Bonds" and my head shoots up and I start laughing and everyone just stared at me...

if they only knew.....

p.s. (that's what the alphabet would look like if Q and R were missing) Maria is going to have my babies. Cause we're cool.

Hey lush have fun.... it's the weekend.

2005-03-20T23:26:13Z

This weekend rocked!

Umm... Thursday night at like 11:30 my dad was like "I don't see a reason for you to go to one block tomorrow." So I got to sleep in like and extra hour and a half. Drove down and visited my Dad's old friend in Cleavland. Then I got to the pool at like 6 and didn't have to count for Marie until like 9:30. Anyways, Saturday morning I got to sleep in longer than everyone again. :) Got there... gave and recieved back massages... then warmed up for like 150 yards. Somehow, I pulled a 57.4 out of my ass on the relay. Then we all showered and went back to the motel. **What ever happened to the team showers?** All of us went to the mall... Brooke, Kelsey, Justin, Patrick, and Matt drove with me... we put the bed down. Patrick and Matt did a chinese firedrill. It was fun. Then the parents went out for dinner and we had the motel to ourselves. Really didn't have much to do though. Hot potato with the phone was fun though.. except it didn't last long. Played tag and raced for a bit, but got yelled at. Justin almost ran into someone. Um... layed/sat around until the parents got home. Then we kicked my dad into Maria's room and all watched a movie in my room. Uh.. Today... woke up. Warmed up like 200 yards. Did one start. (I don't know why I'm telling you all of this because I'm sure you don't care). Swam the 200 free relay. Again, I pulled my swim out of my ass. I guess I went a 25.59. That's all I had to swim cause I'm cool like that. Stayed to watch Marie's 200 and Maria's 100 breast. Then went to Applebee's and came home. I'm fat and ate a whole samppler platter by myself.

**I think Alex shoved my camera down his pants and took a picture at the meet today.**

**I wish I would have done what Maria told me.**

**Also should have got that cool awesome picture.**

I think Maria and I are hanging out this weekend.

peachez06 @ 2005-01-22T20:19:00

2005-01-23T01:19:31Z

Comment anonymously and tell me:

1. One secret.
2. One compliment.
3. One random thing.
4. One love note.
5. Lyrics to a song.
6. How old you are.
7. How long we've known each other/been friends.
8. And a hint to who you are.

After this post I think I'm making my journal friends only....

Ignoring the phone, I'd rather say nothing. I'd rather you'd never heard my voice.

2005-01-22T23:08:42Z

I haven't updated in a while so this may be long.

Exams were interesting..... I actually think I did better on my math exam than I did on my chem exam. Enh.. whatever.... I wasn't really thinking about exams at that point. My spanish, art, band, and econ exams were easy. I once again wasn't thinking about exams though.

Thursday: yea surgery.... it went well... I guess it was a lot worse than they thought it was going to be though. On a scale of 1-4 they said I was a 5.... sad considering I feel fine now, and did that night. Mike came over to keep me company. It was nice to know at least one person cared.

Friday: I slept a lot. Then went out with a bunch of people. They decided they wanted to leave the house we were at and get into a fight. I decided that I wanted to stay at the house since I was supposed to hang out with Marc anyways. Now everyone is mad at me. So I think I owe them all an apology. I'm sorry that I didn't go to the fight with you. I didn't feel like having a run in with the cops especially in the condition I was in. I also expected you to come back... I'm sorry.

Today: well this is a shitty day. Normally, I wouldn'tmind the snow, but since I'm restricted to NO physical activity for 2 freaking weeks it sucks... This means no sledding, snowboarding, or anythign fun.... this really sucks!

Haven't been able to eat much. It sucks considering I usually eat 239875982 times a day. I can't wait until I can eat normal foods again. I'm going out to dinner right away. Anyone want to come?

On another note, I thought my something was seriously wrong with my dog today. Something along the lines of a broken back or leg. Not sure what happened to him, but he's fine now. Damn faker.

Alright, boys.... what is up with me and boys?
So I met a boy last weekend. I like him. The things he says make me happy. He's also a lot different than the other boys I meet. Just hoping this turns out better than the rest.

hah... I sound like a 10 year old girl with a crush... great.

So I'll hit the pavement
It's gotta be better than waiting
And pushing you.. far away
cause I'm scared.
So I'll take my chances
and head on my way up there
Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten.

bored

2005-01-03T03:57:25Z

bold whats true...
on new years...

Had a hell of a time
Will remember this night for a long time
Wished there was no such thing as New Years
Kissed someone when it struck 12
Wanted to tell someone something that night, but didn't
Made someone cry
Saw someone cry
Laughed so hard you almost cried
Saw someone you missed
Was with someone you had feelings for sort of Had a good ass start to the New Year
Drank wine/wine coolers
Was called a skank
Things for you didn't go as planned
Have an urge to kick someones ass
Hooked up with someone
Stay up all night
Go on the computer
Watch the ball drop
Go in a hot tub
Watch a movie
Talk on the phone
Did your make-up
Curled your hair
Said happy New Years to someone
Got pissed off at one of your friends
Took Pictures
Said " I love you " but in a friendly way
Said " I love you " in a real way
Would change that night if you could
Wished you were someone else
Got in a argument
Lost a friend
Was with your friends
Made some new friends
Didn't want the night to end

peachez06 @ 2005-01-02T14:43:00

2005-01-02T20:14:26Z

Best _____ of the year:

1. party: Hmm.. probably Brad's.
2. Show: uhh... the OC
3. CD: umm... Green Day- American Idiot
4. Movie: IDk
5. Song: again IDK
6. Experience: umm.. recieving some scholarship offers for swimming.
7. Concert: Green Day, Sugarcult, NFG
8. Book: haha... um Odd Thomas
9. Month: July or December
10. Day: no clue

Worst ____ of the year:

1. Party: I really can't remember any horrible parties.
2. Show: there were a few. Actually I might have to say the Surreal Life
3. CD: not sure
4. Movie: hah.. no clue
5. Song: country ones
6. Experience: probably have to be the whole Jameson relationship
7. Concert: I only went to 2 concerts and they were good.
8. Book: Idk I didn't read that much
9. Month: September
10. Day: ?

Hopes for 2005:

1. Predict something that you think will happen in 2005: States for swimming... or maybe somehow I will make it to nationals.
2. What do you hope changes about your country?: I hope the war ends.
3. What do you hope for yourself?: to have more freedom from my parents
4. What do you hope for your family?: a lot: that my dad's side of the family act more like a family and talk to each other (you know it's only been 25 years, assholes), that my uncle not be a dick head.. get a job and pay child support, and that my other uncle follows through with his plans to get married.
5. What do you hope for your friends?: that whatever they wish for happens

During 2004:

1. Where were you when it began?: at home.. i think... no wait I was at Amies.
2. Did you stay up?: yes
3. What was your new year wish?: didnt have one
4. How many boy/girlfriends?: one
5. Broke up?: yea... I tried many times before it actually happened, but he was a fucking alcoholic and didn't grasp the concept.
6. Have any crushes?: lots
7. Care to mention names?: ummm let's see... Kenny, Steve, Justin, Mike, Mark, Timmy, Dan, John, the other John, Zach, Tony, Kevin.. yea I think that's it.. That's a lot.
8. New friends?: yea, quite a few
9. Had to say goodbye?: yes, to quite a few people.
10. Missed anyone?: yes
11. Win anything?: sure
12. Best place you went to?: Florida
13. Worst place you went to?: ...
14. Happiest moment?: a few good ones
15. How was your birthday?: good I suppose.. went out to eat.. saw Becky.. had gay NHS inductions, but went and visited Tony.. and Marie made me poop cookies and gave me ballons so everyhting wsa better.
16. Best present?: umm.... I got a lot of good things... The OC dvds and all my new clothes were probably my favorites.

Atreyu... March 10th

2004-12-30T22:46:58Z

Anyone want to go to the Atreyu concert with me?

when you reflect do you get that feeling like you used to?

2004-12-30T05:26:36Z

I have a feeling this is going to be a long night.

When everyone has left me here, I’ll make it on my own. Just wait and see. Maybe if you came back down, you’d see it happening to you. Maybe you’d even care. Hear me out, I don’t think you’ll make it out. Hear me out, see the writing on the wall. Burn your bridge and wear your heart out on your sleeve. You know you won’t fool me. You made all these promises. You broke all these promises to me. Follow your heart this time. Did you mean all those things you said? Even when you said you’d never change. Writing you letters you never read. Waste my breath on paper. When you reflect do you get that feeling like you used to? And every time you run away. I know you still have memories. Now that you’ve left. Make me feel like I’m gone. You did all these things I hated.

Smash apart what you created

2004-12-29T05:35:53Z

I'm bored.

Tonight was fun. Went to B Dubs and ate a bunch of wings after going to Taco Bell and eating a bunch of shit. I ended up seeing Kenny and Steve up there. I miss those boys. Anyways... practice today was good. I <3 the 12 days of christmas. I was kind of pissed that I didn't get to finish, though. I love Kale to death, but I could have got so much more done if he didn't make me wait for him. So the quote of the day goes to Kale: (we were swimming 50s)
Me: "this is number 5 right?"
Kale: "no we started down here"
Me: "I know these are 50s"
Kale: "yeah think about what you just said!... oh wait.."

no one else will think that is funny, but I did.

Oh so my new realization is that I'm not fat, and I'm not going to call myself fat anymore.

I don't feel like updating anymore.

peachez06 @ 2004-12-23T16:07:00

2004-12-23T21:12:16Z

My mom has been in the bitchiest fucking mood lately... it really sucks. I wanted to go to the show tonight, but it looks like my mom is going to stop that too. w/e.

Anyways, In a way I'm glad it snowed. At least there will be a white christmas. However, I'm not allowed to go anywhere because my mom is a paranoid BITCH.

peachez06 @ 2004-12-14T23:48:00

2004-12-15T05:24:03Z

well I just got the "I don't like the person you are anymore" speech from my mom. And I'm crying again... as if I haven't cried enough tonight. Apparently I am changing because I hardly have any friends anymore.. not like I had many to begin with. I don't know anymore. I've realized that I'm extremely annoying lately and even more emotional. I sometimes feel that I'm slowly slipping into the thing I fear the most. I'm gradually becoming a loner, and not in a good way. One by one, I lose a friend or someone I like. Enh I'm gay I need to stop talking about this, but I can't. I complain so much.. maybe that's why people hate me so much.

So, tongight was the banquet. I did okay until the seniors started their speeches. I got a little teary-eyed, but after the banquet was when I really started to cry. I waited for Bob to get done taking pictures and then I began sobbing like a little baby. It was horrible. I"m really going to miss him a lot more than I thought I was. I'm really depressed that we grew so far apart in the last year. I often wish that we were as close as we were freshman year. Now I don't even have any time to patch our relationship. NOw here comes my bitching again... I recently realized that it doesn't matter how close I get with the seniors or how much I try to help or encourage them... I will NEVER be mentioned in a speech.. So I have finally proved my point of how everyone secretly or openly hates me.

To add to the list of why people should/do hate me: I'm ugly, annoying, emotional, bitchy, ungrateful, UGLY, and complain too much.

There's something wrong with me.... I need to die!

What the fuck do you think love means? It's much more than words and feelings sucking me dry

2004-12-12T11:27:57Z

I'm extremely tired, but I've convinced myself that if I go to sleep I will be more tired when I wake up. I have so much to do today too. This is going to suck. I'm also going to fail my math test on Monday. If he collects the packets... I'm going to fail thouse too. Maybe I'll pull another all nighter... I can do 2 nights in a row, right? enh...

Anyways, I'm disappointed that my mom was bitchy on Friday... I oculdn't go to Taurean's or have Britany spend the night. It sucked! Tower Relays was fun. I didn't realize how much I missed Bob until that meet. The giant, long hug was nice.

Last night was the swim sleep over. It was productive. Did Dave's house. Bob was staying at his mom's.... how convienient. enh... Came home and wrote on Mark's windows with fake snow. It was fun. I kind of miss hanging out with Mark too.

I've been really retarded lately. I don't know whats wrong with me. I've seriously been like depressed and wanting to drink and party all the time with the friends I don't have. I feel like I have no one to really talk to anymore. I guess I've had that feeling for a while now. IDK.. I'm also kind of regreting this whole swimming Marlins thing. I sort of wanted to run indoor track and improve. Now idk if I can even do track. T.I. was talking to me about it the other day. My mom has been treating me like a 5 year old lately, but at the same time treating me like I'm 18 and should be out on my own... if that makes any sense. I'm so sick of being compared to everyone else's children. I'm sick of fighting with her constantly. It's such fucking bullshit. I don't think she understands that school and swimming take up all of my time. I don't have enough free time to get a job... no place would hire me. I don't even hardly have enough time to do my hhomework and eat in one night, let alone get a job. I have a hard enough time cleaning up my stuff around the house let alone helping her with hers. I can't take it anymore. I can't skip practice to help her or to get my christmas shopping dne like she's been yelling at me to do. I don't understand her sometimes. I'm sick of her making promises and then breaking them, but when I do it I'm the worst kid in the world and should be kicked out.

Idk... hard times I guess. whatever.

peachez06 @ 2004-12-08T23:14:00

2004-12-09T04:15:49Z

Yesterday was my birthday. It was fun... kind of. Had gay NHS induction though. Went out to Texas Roadhouse on Monday and Becky was our waitress. I ate a ton of rolls. I'm gay and don't feel like updating so you get this confusing shit. hmm... Tonight we decorated allison's car. It was also great fun.

Special thanks to Marie for my balloons and POOP COOKIES!!

THE END...